"Merci Sista"

Here i sit in my whirly chair, counting the minutes until another night shift is over. Funny, as I spin round and round, watching the clock with one ear open for the 'tist' noise I have now trained myself to hear (the African call bell system), I start to think of the lessons I've learned throughout the week.

Tonight's ramble, as I call it, has everything to do with nursing. I truely didn't know what to expect when i arrived here. I had spoken with a variety of people who had worked with Mercy Ships in the past, each with varying degrees of recommendations. I was assured that given my work experience, that i would be fine here. And, it's true, I am, skills wise. One of the last parting comments made to me before we left by a friend of mine was, 'Adrienne, be forewarned, it's a much slower pace than you're used to.' Little did i realize how great an impact this would be.

During my first few weeks here, the words of a senior nurse i used to work with at home came to me. 'You young nurses are great. You're so enthusiastic about starting IV's, running for this and for that. But, you all forget about your patients. You forget to talk to them and walk with them. You forget about the nursing part of nursing. Nursing sure isn't what it used to be. We never used to have to write that we walked a patient, it was assumed.' The conversation that started as a result of this comment was long, and obviously impacting because i remember it. Largely because she's one of the best nurses I've ever worked with. She absolutely hated it when we refered to a patient by their room and bed number and challenged me to get to know them. "There is a way to know your patients, care for them and not let their stories keep you up at night." I never believed her until this week.

We have fun on the ward. There is much laughing and giggling that goes on as we nurses make our way around to see the ladies. I usually stumble over something at least once when the ship makes a lurch to one direction, or one of the patients does the same thing. Perhaps one of the largest learning curves I've had to climb is the one of teaching. There is so much to be taught here, and not all of it is easy. Often I will try the same lesson with three different translators at different times and it is amazing the different results. It makes me nervous sometimes as I am never 100% sure the message is getting across. That in itself has been a lesson learned.

Probably one of the most impacting lessons I've learned here on the ship, is what nursing a person can really accomplish. I admit I was pulling my hair a little too tightly the first few weeks, looking for something to 'do.' At home I'm used to running nonstop. I prided myself in my efficiency and ability to keep straight one hundred little details. I could tell you at a drop of a hat the names of patients from room 1-30, and on the days I was the charge nurse, I could tell you one hundred other little details most could care less about. But here, the world is different. The atmosphere is different, and the work is so much calmer and peaceful.

I think I'm finally starting to get the working environment here. I've moved beyond the smiles and handshakes to conversations with my patients. It's hard to explain what a milestone that can be here. But, I'm glad to say that I've finally accomplished that. There are some wonderful translators here who are more than willing to sit with me and be the in between. When these few gems are working, I've taken every opportunity to get to know the story behind the smiles and the handshakes.

Tonight is one of those surprising night shifts. There are three small children on the ward, babies of the VVF ladies who are still breastfeeding. I had to tell one Mama not to breastfeed her child until the morning due to the drugs in her system. After finding a translator and waking up another lady to help, we had a chat. But, it was about far more than breastfeeding and figuring out a way to appease her rambunctious 2 yo. should he awake wanting food. It was a brief glimpse into her hurting heart. She told me how she was an orphan for as long as she could remember. She was abandoned twice by her husbands due to her condition. The conversation went on for sometime while the lady across the room consoled her before the message was relayed to me. This lady, only 10 years older than me just walked into my heart tonight. Her quiet words, "merci sista," trying not to wake her son, as she grasped my hand firmly, have echoed in the night.

My new found resolve to get to know my patients beyond their medical chart has come with a cost. Tears. I fight them every day, at the end of every shift. Some sad, some happy. These are marvelous ladies. They've fought hard to get here to the ship. Their stories have slowly been edging themselves from my brain where all of them lay arranged orderly and systematically, to my heart that aches for each one. "Wet for 30 years, wet for 13 years, wet for 28 years, abandoned, cast out, left alone, my baby died, nobody wants me,.... wanted to kill myself." Soon after though, come smiles. I've just walked up and down the hallway carrying a very angry 2 yo as his screams cut through the silence of the night with an ear piercing squeal. But, with each step, his cries became more and more of an effort as his little body falls asleep again. Now, here i sit in my whirly chair, rocking from right to left, mimicking his Mama's walk. He's asleep, pouty face wedged into my chest, and calm peaceful breathing fills the night once more.

Some moments are harder than ever, and others are getting easier. I've just tucked in that little boy, his Mama rolled over in their small shared bed, eyes closed, and clapped her hands silently for my achievement. For tonight, she lays in wait, hoping and praying that the day's surgery was successful. I have by no means reached perfection in my nursing. I have a long ways to go before I'll be satisfied with the job I've done. But, I hold on to those little moments of victory, marking the long path. Tonight my job is to watch over 8 ladies and one little boy. Perhaps these night shifts aren't too bad after all.